Pen Street

HAPPY FESTIVUS! A Festivus for the rest of us. “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! And now you’re gonna hear about it.”

In honor of this special day, let’s start with the airing of grievances, the Costanza-way:

1.) Cryptic status updates. “Bad day.” “No one understands.” “:(” “Hm. We’ll have to wait and see I guess. :/” Either tell us what’s goin on or keep your status trap shut. These updates are only fishing for questions about what’s wrong, or faux FB sympathy. Yep, I’ve hidden you.

2.) Bib scarves. Are we 2 years old? Please, people, there are other ways to wear a scarf.

3.) Plastic bags in trees. They’re everywhere. Start looking up and you’ll notice them. Plus, those cashiers and baggers who huff when they start putting your three cups of yogurt and kitty food into a plastic bag just as the words, “I don’t need a bag,” or “I brought my own bag,” are rolling out of your mouth. Then they have to remove the item from the evil plastic but they do so in a beleaguered way.

4.) The fact that Miley Cyrus hittin a bong (and it’s not even weed) is news. Yawn.

5.) Single issue voters. Awesome job playing into the hands of deadbeat politicians. There are a whole lotta issues that affect you more than abortion and gun control. But who cares about ethanol subsidies raising the price of food? Or pushing our off-shore drilling to other countries? Or accessible government? Or Net neutrality? Or the inefficiency of sales tax due to its regressive tax structure?

6.) foursquare. Do I really need to know you’re spending another $5 for a latte at Starbucks… again?

7.) People who don’t adhere to the bathroom stall boundary unspoken rule. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If there are multiple stalls and it’s just you and me in there, why do you have to use the stall right next to me? Also, I’d like to tack on to this one the half-assed hand washers. Putting your hand under a water stream for half a second with no soap doesn’t count as hand washing.

Now for the feats of strength.